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Byrdman's Official Learned Rules Of Relationship |
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Please Note!. The Filter for
the Humor Impaired Seems to be Malfunctioning. |
1.
Do not
date married women or women currently in romantic relationships.(this is what would be called
a Prime Directive)
2.
Do not
date women recently out of relationships, 1-year waiting period for marriages/living together
arrangements and 6 months for other love interest relationships).
3.
Do not
have sex with women referenced in Rules#1 or #2.
4.
We
never sleep with women who wear flowered dresses. (Okay, so I hate flowered dresses). (we are talking
about those really BIG Flowers). (and yes, That was a
"Royal" we).
5.
Do not
date homeless women. (They never leave)
6.
If she
says, "it feels so right," drop everything and run like hell she just told you she feels she
is Ms. Right).
7.
Byrdman
does not participate in sex activities with more than one woman at a time. (I.e.. NO GROUPS,). I feel the need to speak up and say that it
is NOT Byrdman's fantasy, But it does
make for good press to say all men do have that as the #1 fantasy. (it isn't ).
8.
Do not
date non-smokers or ex-smokers, unless they are planning to take up smoking
immediately. (Yes, proof of Nicotine addiction is required).
9.
Do not
date women with shorter hair than Byrdman, unless
they will wear wigs. (Proof of wig ownership is required).
10. Do not date women who want more kids. (Byrdman is finished with the kid making business).
11.
Only
date women who have their own place (no male roommates).
12. Do not date women with tattoos, especially
misspelled ones
13. Do not date women into "Alphabet"
or "Initials" sex IE: B&D, S&M, etc., etc. (Sort of silly to
date a woman who advertises the damage she plans to do )
Byrdman only does happy, "feel good" types
of dating.
14. Women with breast implants need a more
elastic relationship than Byrdman. (Yes Even the
15. Women who drink during sex hours are to be
denied access to long term relationships. (If she has to get drunk to fool
around then she has some serious baggage she needs to get rid of and Byrdman isn't going to pay for that therapy).
16. Safe Sex is mandatory. (never mind Disease,
there are some who just want to capture a male to make a baby)
17. Never let women leave personal possessions
at your house that they expect to retrieve.
18. All rules may have a maximum of one
exception (to prove the rule). (well 2 if she's really
hot).
19. When questioning if an
opportunity is going to break a rule. Back away and save her phone number till
the manual can be consulted (and modified if she is worth it).
20.Always take a moment to remember why you quit seeing Ms. Wrong
before hopping back into bed with her.
21. Never get involved with a
women who was born wealthy (and has never been broke) She can't
comprehend what it takes to survive in my real world. (The only exception would be if
she had a really bad cough, no relatives, and is willing to leave all her money
to you in her "Will" immediately).
22.Women are not allowed to move in... PERIOD!
23.Women have their choice of either leaving early the following
morning or slipping out during the night.
24.Discontinue dating any woman who cleans the bathroom on first
date. (yes, this really happened, as with
all the rules here, every rule is based on a real incident).
25.Natural Redhead are all psycho-twinkies and no matter how attractive, you must, at all
costs, STAY AWAY. . (okay,okay.. I've been called on
the carpet on this particular rule.. I have absolutly no ability to say "no" to redheads,
therefore I made this rule. We know already I don't have the ability to choose
women well).
26.Bewarned! The most dangerous female is a natural
blonde who dyes her hair red (a psycho-twinkie
wannabe. See
rule #2).
27.Never continue to date a woman who picks lint off you. (What
am I, A monkey?)
28.If A woman filters through all the
rules, invent a new rule. (Coming soon as rule #99)
29.If she tells you she is brutally honest in your first
conversation with her, she probably isn't.
30.Women who say they only want you for sex are lying and
should be avoided at all cost. (Women don't think like men... and that is a
male thing).
31. Sex in exchange for computer work may be
done if all variables are thoroughly thought out. (and
she can say that phrase 5 times real fast).
32.Never make a date with a woman who won't show you her face on
Internet video feeds. (she may be a he or a she-he or
a she-wannabe).
33.Universal Truth Of Nature #1: Women lie too. (they call it
"changing their minds").
34.Remember. Don't show prospective future ex-wives
35.Never meet women for the first time in a
"one-on-one" situation (always have witnesses and people to save you nearby in case you
need a quick escape) .
36.Never date women born after 1963 (unless they are 60's
history major). The rule is actually 1960 but there was this really cute
girl I wanted to date and I needed to modify this rule for her because she was
born in 1963. (authorized via Rules #18 and
19). (and NO... it didn't work out.. I should never
had made the exception)
37.There is only
38.Never Date Clients or Employees of clients no matter how
attracted you are to them, It can get really ugly when
you break up. (But
get her phone number if she quits or get fired).
39.Beware!... Women who claim that
friendship is their only goal are usually not being truthful. (I know this
isn't a rule. just a reminder). (beware
of statements like "well, you never know what might happen" ) .
40.Female Drummers are to no longer be considered datable. (their
left and right brains are totally separate from each other) It is like dating 2
women that don't like each other. * Reference Byrd Rule
#7 *.
41. Women who state they are "low
maintenance women" are always high maintenance women.
42.Women who state they are "high maintenance women"
are always high maintenance women.
43.There is no such thing as a "low maintenance woman".
(See Rules 41 and
42).
44.Discontinue all contact if you catch them cheating on you. (Don't buy into the excuses,
there are no forgivable excuses for violation of personal trust, and if they do
it once, they will do it again and again).
45.Do not date women who have admitted cheating in their prior
relationships, They are preparing you for when she
cheats on you (Remember
you can't break a Hound-dog from sucking eggs).
46.Never Forget.. If she talks ugly
about
47.Don't let friends "Fix you up" with their other
friends unless you are prepared to lose the friendship with them.
48.Beware of dating women with children living at home. (You end up dating the woman long
after the attraction burns out because you still love the kid).
49.If a Woman says the dreaded "I LOVE YOU" phrase in the first 120 days of the
relationship or right after a sexual event then run like hell. She probably
uses that phrase often to catch/hook/reel in her man. (Same way other guys use it to
get some nookie from a woman they lust for and don't
really want to know except once or twice biblically).
50.If a Young female Says "My last boyfriend was older than
you", It is your responsibility to explain to her
that that relationship didn't work out either. Send her back to clue school. (she obviously didn't figure it out).
51. Watch carefully for the drinking habits on
the first few dates with any drinker. Functional alcoholics can fool you
easily. (and they never admit to drinking too much or having a problem).
52.Give Bi-Curious women a quarter and tell them to call you once
they have satisfied their curiosity (Interesting note, They don't consider
sleeping around with women to be cheating, but "exploring their
sexuality". Go figure.).
53.It's not you, It's not you, It's not
you! You're just attracted to strange women. At least you can now add a new
rule. (write it down on your bathroom mirror 100 times
after each failed relationship).
54.If she tells you she is allergic to cats but tells you "Gee, for some reason
your cat doesn't affect me" get rid of her (
55.Remind all potential romantic partners that Byrdman has been married and divorced three times and that
if he gets married again he will only do so with her knowing he plans on being
a widower the next time (That should scare off any women thinking about becoming the next Ms
Right ) .
56.If a woman strongly states that she hates being given flowers,
this means that she wants to be given flowers. (took me 25 years of dating to
figure this one out..) One night a drunk female broke the rules and told me this. I
think she was banned from the sisterhood and stripped of her female security
ranking afterwards .
57.Did I mention that I hate flowered dresses ? (bet your dying to know
why I hate them).
58.When the song "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away" keeps going through your head,
And she finally leaves, Be glad she got into a drunk and left in the middle of
the night and saved you from having to end it. (Don't open the door when they
try to make up, they are always up to some sort of "get even" head game) .
59.If you find your attracted to someone
then run home immediately and slam dance with the bedroom door till you are in
tremendous & unbearable pain. ( this will
remind you what the end of this relationship is going to feel like ). ( And you can save a lot of time and money ). Then and
only then can you make an educated judgment call in deciding if this
relationship is worth pursuing.
60.Don't believe that the photo she sent you has:
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a.) Her current dental
condition |
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b.) Her current weight. (always add 40lbs) |
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c.) Her current age (they all looked good 20 years
ago). |
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d.) Shown you her flowered
dress collection |
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Note: Glamour Shot Photos are proof
that Good Photographers CAN make a silk purse out of a
........... |
61. It is okay for a woman to have guy friends UNLESS they define
them specifically as "not a threat"
that means they have not had him yet, but is on her "guys to do" list . (Even though most women deny it,
62.Being Jaded can be a good thing
sometimes. It turns you into an optimistic cynic.
63.If she asks "how many men define a gang" when taking
a sexual purity and experience test, immediately refer to Rule #59 and bruise yourself some more. (you really know how to pick um bucko ) .
64.
65.Have them expand on the phrase
"I have a roomate" if you expect them to
ever call you again.
66.If she defines Being Separated
from her Husband/Boyfriend in "hours" then she is not to be considered a possible reoccurring date. ( You are most likely a stepping stone to her
"healing" ).
67.Considering that Familiarity
breeds contempt, It might be reasonable to try a relationship where no first
names should be used, (a conversation might go like this: "Hello Mr.
Byrd", "And Good Evening good evening to you ,
Mrs. Rightnow").
68.Do not date any woman who has
not read the Byrd Rules and laughed outragously. (truly a perfect test of their humor and honesty about life
attitudes).
69.When they have
"clever" excuses why the 2 of you can't go back to her place, it
usually means she is preparing you to be a "Mr. RightTonight" , The Next "MR Rightnow",
Stepping Stone, or some sort of temporary squeeze. (and
we really have had enough of those now haven't we? ).
70.If she doesn't smoke, and says
"Gee, Hunnie, Your smoking doesn't seem to
affect me at all ", SHE IS LYING !!!! (she is planning on putting you on the table and
remolding you as soon as she gets that lock on you). (NOTE: a lock on
you means a wedding ring).
71.
Question the motives of any Woman who would be crazy enough to date
a guy who might turn her actions into a " ByrdRule" or a ByrdDoll on this
internet site.
72.ANOTHER OBSERVATION: The older
you get, the less you have to worry about avoiding temptation, it starts avoiding you.
73.When a woman says she is busy
because she is going "out with a friend", they are ALWAYS speaking of
a male friend. (women will ALWAYS mention gender if
the friend ISN'T datable or female). And you can bet the "friend"
is most definitely on her "To Do" list (see rule #61).
74.Can someone please explain to
me this new fad called "Casual Dating" ? It
appears to me to be a new term for what used to be called "Sport
Sex". Am I wrong here? (UPDATE
2004>>>>> I have learned that it’s now called Friends with Privileges.)
75.Okay okay
okay... I've had it... No more dating women who smoke
but don't smoke in their own house.. (This I truly
don't understand at all).. It's like not eating in
your own house just because your going to have to
clean it up later. Or not sleeping in your own bed because your
going to have to wash the sheets. Sheesh.. either smoke or don't .. have some conviction. ( NOTE: This rule
does not apply to homes with young children living there ).
76.Don't tell um you like them
too much, (the game is over, they won and you aren't a challenge anymore.) They
will knock your heart right off your shoulder. After attaching a string so they
can "walk the dog" as they say in the Yo-Yo world.
77.It has come to my attention
that My ByrdDollar currency has not been defined. The
definition is ByrdDollars can only be used by Women
who were born as women (and are still women, no sex changers) between the years
1948 and 1969. (coming soon, the explanation
of what a ByrdDollar actually is and how you can use
them and how to earn them).
78.When considering dating
bartenders, remember this is just going to be a repeat of every other bartender
you ever dated. Be prepared to have a lot of introductions to drug abuser
friends, friends and relatives just out of jail, loaning money (that will never
be returned). All bartenders are interchangeable .. (When will I stop being attracted to these women???).
79.Never date a woman who's first knowledge of Byrdman
is via these rules. She has decided Byrdman just
hasn't found the right Ms Right Now.
80.If she is from
81. Byrdman hates being Fixed Always ask her about previous relationships and quietly check to see if she was trying to “fix” them.
82. Never sleep with a woman that has slept with any of your friends..
talk about baggage!... a little nookie is not worth losing a friend over.. and you really get too much information about your guy friends..